Lately I have been faced with death seemingly more than one would hope. Principally, Kim and now Buppa. Both deaths (currently Buppa's is impending) are so different yet, I can also see many similarities between them. Kim was a vibrant young woman of 22 years. She had a full life ahead of her filled with dreams and goals. She was infected with cancer and it only took the cancer 7 months to claim her. She had will to live, reason to live and no one thought different. Buppa is 86; father to 4, grandfather to 9 and great-grandfather to 1. He is my last living grandparent and I have gotten to share 23 years with this wonderful man. His wife/soul mate/partner in crime died 5 years ago: he misses her like something I can't even put into words. He has Emphysema and liver cancer and his body is starting to wear out. "My mind is strong and the flesh is not."

I feel so sad to loose both of these people in my life. I miss them both. Kim. A best friend from college and a truly good person. She was going to school to be a nurse and studied abroad in Spain with Erin. She has a family that is so strong and brave - just like her. Buppa. A man of importance in his prime and of stories to follow. He is the dad of 4 lovely girls who love to hen pick him - and even though he'd never admit it, I think he likes it. His stories about the insurance business and about the era that he lived during are unbelievable. His mind retains more memories and information that I ever dream to retain. He doesn't really like to be hugged and doesn't like to say I Love You. These things are omnipresent in his familial relationships and there is no reason to cloud the day with such nonsense. You would be a dingbat if you did. He is a crazy conservative and constantly gives me hell for being "liberal" and attending UW-Madison. He was happy when I told him I would be attending St Thomas for law school. This plus the mailing I receive from him "counter the brain washing." Usually the mailings are forwards that he receives from the Alliance Defense Fund about the opposition against gay marriage and outlawing abortion. I know he sends this to be because he loves me: this is the way he lets me know instead of words. I am a believer of "actions speak louder than words" so I get very excited when I find an envelope in the mailbox with his handwriting - this will be the part of Buppa I miss the most I think.

So how do I feel about this impending, encroaching, looming thing called death? In the case of Kim I couldn't understand why - still can't. So young, so alive, so unfair. No explanation, just sadness. With Buppa it is easier (I say easier, not easy), because he has lived and wants to be reunited with my Nana.

What is FINE? People always say "everything will be fine", "they'll be fine." But what does that actually mean? For me, at first, it meant that the person will live and continue to live until ... well, indefinitely I guess. This thought of FINE was formulated when I still had no concept of what death means. Death is something that I don't have control over and can not ever have control over - this realization has taken me a long time to arrive at. Kim and Buppa are both going to be fine. Everyone is going to be fine. Whether this means that that impending, encroaching, looming thing called death will happen to them is irrelavant, because they will be fine wherever they end up.

Why do I say a person who dies will be fine?? I was recently talking with a friend about Kim and how unfair the whole situation is. He told me that perhaps it is unfair, but not for Kim rather for those she left behind. Kim is living her eternal life. We, as living, breathing people, have NO idea what the eternal life is or what it holds. Perhaps that life is the one that we are all waiting for and the one that tops this one by 800%. I like to imagine that it is. That Kim and Buppa are both waiting for me in that place. They get to watch us, but not wish they were here, because they place they are in is better and they know that someday we will join them. They love it in their eternal life someday, we will be there with them.

So while I miss those that have moved into their eternal life, my new goal is not to be sad for them. Because there is no reason to be sad. We can be sad for ourselves because those wonderful people that graced our lives are gone, but that is the only reason to be sad. When Kim died, I couldn't peice together in my mind why God could take someone who haw spent most of this life dreaming about what she wanted to do as she grew old - planned her wedding and her kids names, her career aspirations and investments. I still think that part of it is completely unexplainable and I don't really want to justify it with my personal theories. But still, I don't want to be sad anymore. I want to do something about the people that are here with me in this life and I will see those who are not with me still in the next.

I love you Buppa and Kim.