Barbriiiiiiii

Wow, what have I gotten myself into! My fears of not passing the bar grow with the passing of each day. I am "learning" or rather hearing words, that I have never heard before, and expected to memorize them. AH! I asked Andy the other day what we would do if one, or God forbid, both of us, don't pass the bar exam. He answered with the standard response: we will pass, don't worry. Ok, first of all, I'm a planner. I need to plan for this "perhaps" unmentionable contingencies. I need to know what is going to happen in my life, even if it's not necessarily what I desire. Second, failing the bar exam is a distinct possibility. I need to deal with that.

Other than the bar, there is training and wedding planning. Both are sunny spots on my seemingly cloudy days. We did a 25m bike and 3-4 mile run in the rain last Sat, made for an interesting morning.. It was actually a lot of fun, but my bike (and clothes) are still dirty messes.. Studying is also detering my ability to deal with daily tasks such as cleaning, TV watching, etc...somehow I never forget eating though :) Technically, I have forbid myself from wedding planning, so I look at pictures of centerpieces, invitation styles, and ponder money saving techniques. Any suggestions??

I'll keep trucking, if I fail...at anything...I won't give up.

Changes...

Lots of changes in my life! First huge change: Andy and I are getting married! :) I am very, very excited for the party and for our life together. I like wedding planning so far. Sometimes I feel like the wedding is not coming fast enough. I know that will probably change in a few months, but right now, I am still pretty excited about it. Things I like least about it: the spending of money and that it is unavoidable that the wedding will be bigger than we would like. Both of those things, though, are not going to stop us from having a great wedding and an even better life...

Other huge change: graduation. Yes, 7 years of higher education is finally coming to a close. There aren't words to describe how happy I am.

3rd one: moving. Me and my man are moving to Appleton. Scary, but exciting.


Training is going well. I am at the "slow" part of the season for me, because of school stuff...blah finals. Hopefully things will pick up after May 9!!!

MUAH!

the 25th year

So, I've entered the 25th year of my life. It's already very exciting! Team in Training is starting to really pick up, and I can actually manage the "pick up" this year because I'm not working and because my class load is a little lighter than usual.

I am holding a fundraiser next week, a flip turn clinic. You can come to the event by visiting http://www.evite.com/app/publicUrl/ZCWRDFVKMJMAYXKYBQXV/FLIPTURN. I am so excited to teach people swimming skills again...I didn't realize how much I missed teaching until I get excited about this event.

The team has also been different this year because 2 others have joined the MN team in memory of Kim: my friend Maggie from college, and Kim's sister MacKenzie. I love talking about Kim more, and I love having them on the team!

Other big news: I am likely moving to Wisconsin to join the Sitzmann Law Firm in September, pending the bar exam and other details. I am so happy that I have the opportunity to join the firm and excited about moving back to Appleton.

Also, I have been thinking a lot about "personal demons," as one of my friends has termed it. More or less, personal demons are the things that prohibit you from being free; free from your thoughts, free from the past, things/thoughts/feelings that can debilitate you. I want so badly to let go of things that happened to me so long ago. Things that still haunt me and don't let me be the person that I want to be. I am working hard redirect my thoughts to beat those demons. I keep reminding myself that you cannot change the way others feel about you, but you can change the way that you react to them. I have to remember that, even when other's actions trigger a negative emotional response, that should not make me unable to react in the way that I want or need to.

here we go again...

Here I am again...new season, new role, new hope.

I am participating as a mentor this year. I am really excited about this! I am excited to get to know the 2009 team, excited to see all the alumni, excited about getting those little emails that tells me someone donated at my webpage (http://pages.teamintraining.org/mn/lifetri09/ssitzmann) and I am excited to help the cause.

I am also considering running in the TC marathon this year. I am only doing the sprint distance tri this year, because the bar exam is 1 1/2 weeks after LifeTime, sooo I figure that doing a marathon is a good way to make up for the slack. and I am working toward the triple crown! (tri, marathon, 100 mi century ride).

7.28.08

It's been awhile, old friend. Race day has come and gone, and it was a HUGE success. I cut 11 minutes off from last year's time finishing in 3 hours, 2 minutes and 12 seconds. My race number was 666, and it actually worked out very well for me :) Everyone just told me it was "bad ass" and it was. I killed that tri. I was so happy to have my friends and family there to support me on race day. Their support means so much to me.

I did my second triathlon on Sunday -- Chisago Lakes. It was a sprint: 1/4 mile swim, 17 mile bike, 3 mile run. Finished in 1:40. It was actually pretty fun, minus when I fell down the stairs at home before I left at 4:45AM! Left a little mark and broke my brake thingy on my bike. I didn't realize that my bike was damaged until I got on it during the race. I biked the whole ride with the thing broken, but I think I fixed it after the race. I have to put my tri bars on, so hopefully I can take a better look at it then.

I also stayed on Sunday to watch 7 of my teammates complete the half iron (not half ironman -- that's copyrighted!) It was amazing to watch each of them cross the finish line with a big old smile on their faces! I am so proud to them! I hope someday, I have enough guts to do something like that!

Not sure I am going to get anymore tris in this summer because we leave for the Boundary Waters in 2 weeks! YIPPEE!! and then school starts :( Last year, I can do it! I am hoping to get one more tri in in September, but we'll see.

6.16.08

Life continues on this bumpy path. The team did our first mock tri this weekend. It was a 3/4 mile swim, 15 mile bike, and a 3 mile run. I was so nervous for the swim because of the cold. However, I put my nerves aside and jumped into the freezing water at 8am on Saturday morning. After the initial shock and a panic in gasping for breath, I found my groove and swam it in 23 minutes. I stuck with a friend during the bike and the run. She is definitely a better biker that me so she pushed me during the bike and we pushed each other during the run. We made it with a time of 1:48.

The tri is less than a month away and I am nervous, scared, and excited. Thinking about doing it and actually doing it are two totally different things. All the things that have been going on in my personal life have been stunting my training, but I really love how I feel after I get done with a hard workout. I feel re-energized and ready to face whatever comes my way. Nothing can be worse than cancer.

One month....thank you to everyone who is helping me to find a cure!!! If you haven't donated yet, please do so at http://www.active.com/donate/tntmn/sitzmann. Your donations and prayers help more than you will ever know. Thank you.

6.2.08

I can't believe its been over a month since I wrote here. My life has really been a whirlwind lately. Training is going well. My team has done a few BRICKs (Bike, Run, ick!) and they are challenging, but getting much easier as time passes. I have been riding my bike to work every day and its actually helping me a lot... in lots of different ways. It actually takes less time then the bus or driving, the ride is scenic, its a nice little wake up in the morning and a fantastic simmer at night, and there are actually some pretty big hills, so its quite a workout. My chain stretched last week, so I had to find alternate transportation then, but I got it fixed so I'm back to the bike. Fundraising -- Thank you all again for supporting me in my adventure to find the cure. I want it so bad!!! Team in training last year really helped me cope with losing Kim, and this year its provided me with a needed outlet because of some tough personal stuff. I am so appreciative of my team and everyone in my life who is there for me. :)

5.1.07

Last night we did a swim that was about 1500 yards and we couldn't touch or push off of the walls or the ground for the entire swim. It was tough, but kinda fun too.

I got an email today from the Leukemia Lymphoma Society (I subscribe :) ) and it told a story about a woman who survived with AML. That is the same cancer that Kim had. I googled AML when Kim got sick but after reading that email, I again got curious about how many people are not as luck as the woman in the email. This is what I found: "In 2005, an estimated 9000 deaths will occur in the United States [due to AML]. In adults, treatment results are generally analyzed separately for younger (18-60 y) and older (>60 y) patients. With current standard chemotherapy regimens, approximately 25-30% of adults younger than 60 years survive longer than 5 years and are considered cured." This makes me so sad and totally remotivates me at the same time. Why are so many people dying from something they never do anything to provoke? Let's find the answer.

4.30.08

Had a spare moment today and took my bike outside for a spin for the first time this season. I have a new "speedometer" and it was so fun to watch how fast I was going! I found a used set of areobars that I am hoping to purchase and use new week. The bike was difficult and I still have a LOT to work on the the bike front.

I just want to take a minute and say thank you to all of you that are supporting my efforts to find a cure for leukemia! I have reached my "recommitment" goal. Recommitment happens half way through the season and my teammates and I are required to reach half our required fundraising goal, swim half the tri distance, and recommit ourselves to the mission. I am happy to tell you all that I have recommited myself to finding that cure and I am excited to continue training and fundraising for Kim, my Grandma Bets, and for all those leukemia patients that are effected by your generous donations! Thank you thank you thank you!!

4.19.08

This morning I ran the trail mix race. It was the longest, hilliest, muddiest running race I've ever done. It was 7.75 miles of constant hills and the entire race was on trails. The hill part would have been terrible no matter what, but it rained last night. So the scenic run turned into a muddy mess. I ran with 3 of my teammates from team in training and was entertained all morning with their antics. I ran for the first 5 miles with my teammate Sean, and then we hit a really long, gradual climb. I just couldn't catch my breath! I walked for about 2 minutes and then felt bad for walking. I picked up the pace and ran again. I finish with an unofficial time of 81 minutes, and 23 seconds. About 10 minute miles, because the course didn't account for the extra distance the hills added. I feel good, and hopefully, I will be able to get faster before the Tri!!

I am thinking about doing another tri on July 27th in Chisago. (not chicago!) Anyone want to be crazy with me?? http://midwestsportsevents.com/events.php?EventID=4

4.17.08

I am sore. First day of training that the soreness has spilled over like this. I LOVE IT! I also had a first last night...I was a competitive swimmer when I was growing up and never experienced a foot cramp. Which is apparently a common occurrence for swimmers...well, I got my first foot cramp last night. It was thrilling. :) I also went for a run with some teammates after our swim last night, and I really felt good. A little side cramp, but nothing I couldn't work through. Additionally, I had the bonus of great running buddies! Two of the girls I ran with are training for Ironman...someday, maybe. For now, my goal is to keep the runs up after the swim!

I thought that maybe I should take a moment to explain to those who do not know how TEAM IN TRAINING works. Three times a week we have "team practice" -- Wednesday nights we swim, Thursday nights we bike, and Saturday mornings we run. Practice will change once it gets nice outside and we can move the swim and the bike outdoors. We run outside all season. The only thing that stops us is subzero temperatures, but hopefully, all those days are over for this season. I am really looking forward to taking my bike outside because this is the first season that my bike is actually MINE! :) Thank you Santa Claus! On days that we don't have team practice, we should train on our own. I have been good about training 1-2 times a week on my own, but during school, it proves to be a difficult task. I am optimistic that after May 5 (my last final!) things will improve!

I was in Madison last weekend to do a run to benefit the Kimberlie Wee Scholarship fund. The run ended up raising $2200!!!!! Kim's fund is close to $25,000...Lots of future nurses will benefit from Kim's scholarship! Also, it was nice to go back and see my college friends and Kim's family. Her family is so inspiring and I am so happy to know them. Everyone misses Kim so much. My friends have started networking with other people who's family and friend struggle with Leukemia . I hope that those who have had sadness in their lives can help those who are experiencing it now. My heart breaks for everyone who suffers from cancer. I get so angry and wonder why God decides to make certain people experience that kind of pain. I don't think those questions will ever be answered, but its all the more reason to work to find a cure.

This weekend I have the 7.75 mile trail mix run at Hyland Hills. Wish me luck, I'm going to need it!!

Thanks for reading, thanks for donating and make sure to visit again!

4.8.08

So I haven't given an update yet, and I think the time is ripe. Training is really starting to pick up. I am doing a 4 mile run in Madison with my friends to benefit the Kimberlie Wee Scholarship Fund this weekend and an 8 mile trial mix run with some teammates next weekend. The first few months are hard because I continue to be busy with school and work, and other life things. I have a little less than a month left until my last summer break though, and until the snow melts, so I am expecting more training coming soon. As anticipated, the hardest leg of the training is the bike. I am working through it and biking on days when we don't have team practice. The team is just as great as I remember them from last year. They are so motivated, excited about finding a cure, and happy to be helping! I love seeing my alumni friends and new friends at practices and around the cities. I am so excited to be doing this again! It was a truly life changing event and that is why I'm back for more! I want to thank everyone for their continued support and donations. You, Kim, my Grandma Bets (myeloma) and the leukemia, lymphoma, Hodgkin's disease and myeloma patients are the ones that keep me going! I love you guys!

Lately I have been faced with death seemingly more than one would hope. Principally, Kim and now Buppa. Both deaths (currently Buppa's is impending) are so different yet, I can also see many similarities between them. Kim was a vibrant young woman of 22 years. She had a full life ahead of her filled with dreams and goals. She was infected with cancer and it only took the cancer 7 months to claim her. She had will to live, reason to live and no one thought different. Buppa is 86; father to 4, grandfather to 9 and great-grandfather to 1. He is my last living grandparent and I have gotten to share 23 years with this wonderful man. His wife/soul mate/partner in crime died 5 years ago: he misses her like something I can't even put into words. He has Emphysema and liver cancer and his body is starting to wear out. "My mind is strong and the flesh is not."

I feel so sad to loose both of these people in my life. I miss them both. Kim. A best friend from college and a truly good person. She was going to school to be a nurse and studied abroad in Spain with Erin. She has a family that is so strong and brave - just like her. Buppa. A man of importance in his prime and of stories to follow. He is the dad of 4 lovely girls who love to hen pick him - and even though he'd never admit it, I think he likes it. His stories about the insurance business and about the era that he lived during are unbelievable. His mind retains more memories and information that I ever dream to retain. He doesn't really like to be hugged and doesn't like to say I Love You. These things are omnipresent in his familial relationships and there is no reason to cloud the day with such nonsense. You would be a dingbat if you did. He is a crazy conservative and constantly gives me hell for being "liberal" and attending UW-Madison. He was happy when I told him I would be attending St Thomas for law school. This plus the mailing I receive from him "counter the brain washing." Usually the mailings are forwards that he receives from the Alliance Defense Fund about the opposition against gay marriage and outlawing abortion. I know he sends this to be because he loves me: this is the way he lets me know instead of words. I am a believer of "actions speak louder than words" so I get very excited when I find an envelope in the mailbox with his handwriting - this will be the part of Buppa I miss the most I think.

So how do I feel about this impending, encroaching, looming thing called death? In the case of Kim I couldn't understand why - still can't. So young, so alive, so unfair. No explanation, just sadness. With Buppa it is easier (I say easier, not easy), because he has lived and wants to be reunited with my Nana.

What is FINE? People always say "everything will be fine", "they'll be fine." But what does that actually mean? For me, at first, it meant that the person will live and continue to live until ... well, indefinitely I guess. This thought of FINE was formulated when I still had no concept of what death means. Death is something that I don't have control over and can not ever have control over - this realization has taken me a long time to arrive at. Kim and Buppa are both going to be fine. Everyone is going to be fine. Whether this means that that impending, encroaching, looming thing called death will happen to them is irrelavant, because they will be fine wherever they end up.

Why do I say a person who dies will be fine?? I was recently talking with a friend about Kim and how unfair the whole situation is. He told me that perhaps it is unfair, but not for Kim rather for those she left behind. Kim is living her eternal life. We, as living, breathing people, have NO idea what the eternal life is or what it holds. Perhaps that life is the one that we are all waiting for and the one that tops this one by 800%. I like to imagine that it is. That Kim and Buppa are both waiting for me in that place. They get to watch us, but not wish they were here, because they place they are in is better and they know that someday we will join them. They love it in their eternal life someday, we will be there with them.

So while I miss those that have moved into their eternal life, my new goal is not to be sad for them. Because there is no reason to be sad. We can be sad for ourselves because those wonderful people that graced our lives are gone, but that is the only reason to be sad. When Kim died, I couldn't peice together in my mind why God could take someone who haw spent most of this life dreaming about what she wanted to do as she grew old - planned her wedding and her kids names, her career aspirations and investments. I still think that part of it is completely unexplainable and I don't really want to justify it with my personal theories. But still, I don't want to be sad anymore. I want to do something about the people that are here with me in this life and I will see those who are not with me still in the next.

I love you Buppa and Kim.